Let’s rewind 9 ½ years… I am 22 years old, met a guy who I really really liked, a couple weeks into dating (I know, I know, how dare he wait so long) he drops a bomb… He is a dad! He has a daughter from a previous relationship, she is two years old and adorable and I love kids so I didn’t give it a second thought. Let’s do this…
Did I picture my wedded bliss beginning as a parent when I was so young myself? No way! But here I was, he was my person and in a million years I wouldn’t have it any other way, this was my journey.
From the beginning and as soon as we were married, I took the approach that I was going to do for little Kylie as I would do for my own kids. I never wanted her to look back on her life and see that I treated her differently than the other kids that I knew I would someday have. Not really sure where this came from other than looking at the relationships other people I knew had with their step-parents. I didn’t come from a broken home, I had no idea what that was, but in what I had been exposed to and with the help of Lady Tremaine in Cinderella, at the very least, I knew what I didn’t want to be as a stepmom.
Now let’s stop for a reality check here — This is NOT a popular approach to step-parenting. Bio mom, her family and friends were NOT my biggest fans. She felt I overstepped and who knows what else but this was the only way I could approach being a step-mom. I was an all-in 110% person… And I intended to be that in my role of stepmom. I never tried to take her mother’s place but I knew amongst everything else going on in life that one day when I had my own kids that I was going to be a cheerleading coach, a PTA mom, room mom and team mom. I am a volunteer by nature, that was the person I was, and if I knew I would be those things to my future kids, I needed to be them for Kylie too; whether everyone around us liked it or not. If as an adult, Kylie knew that I had treated her as I did my own, that to me was the definition of a successful step-parent and that is what I set out to do.
So, I did… I was her cheerleading coach for five years, served on the PTA for two years and was room mom one year. Again – this definitely did not win me any popularity contests. It didn’t seem that many thought “oh great look how involved Kylie’s stepmom is in her life”. I had my fair share of dirty looks and rude people who were on bio mom’s “side” of the equation.
With a hubby who worked construction with an extremely un-predictable schedule, I experienced more than my share of awkward situations (especially if hubby was working and late or couldn’t be there). I refused to take the easy road and just excuse myself. I showed up to every dance recital, parent teacher conference and talent show even when it was going to be awkward and difficult. I often told myself I would go especially because it would be difficult, I told myself that was the best possible example I could set for Kylie – Do what you think is right, even when you are going to be criticized for it. Everything I did was with the end result in mind, a family dynamic where all of my children have me as a present parent every step of the way.
These years as a stepmom have been filled with joy, tears, drama, and so much more. I have learned so much about parenting and about myself and I have such a huge appreciation for the relationship that Kylie and I have built without having the immediate bond that I experienced in birthing my biological children. We have had to create this love, this bond and I am happy to say we have it. Is our family dynamic perfect? Not a chance! Have I been without any weak moments or questionable decisions? No way! We still have bumps along the way and step-parenting a preteen girl is not easy but I expect being a biological parent to a preteen girl isn’t a walk in the park either? I’m not there yet as a bio mom but from what I hear, the waters are rough when the hormones start regardless of the bloodline… As a mommy of three girls, I guess I just need to get used to that part! How do you approach your role as a step-parent?